Monday, August 15, 2011

~ getting direction ~

very single morning I talk to my
mom, it’s how I roll. And every
single morning she reminds me to
put on the armor of God and get in
the Word. This morning I was being

a good girl and well… doing what I was told yes, but also doing what I know kicks off my morning right and I was getting in the Word. I was on my computer and was trying to remember a verse that I heard yesterday at church – I knew it was found somewhere in 2 Timothy… well actually I wasn’t sure if it was 1 or 2 Timothy – but I knew it was Timothy – I Googled 2 Timothy and as Google made it’s suggestions to me, I picked 3 and I was so blessed that I did… Although this is not quite the verse I was looking for from church yesterday – this really spoke to me and I wanted to share.
2 Timothy 3 1-7
1 But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. 2 People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4 treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.
6 They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over gullible women, who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires, 7 always learning but never able to come to a knowledge of the truth.
After reading this I was thinking well … I’m not one of those ”gullible” women which in real life, I know I am QUITE gullible but I didn’t quite think this applied to me… THEN I really started being honest with myself. So I asked myself, ”Do I associate myself with any of the people that were described above?” … and honestly, I do. And did you read the part where it said, ”Have nothing to do with such people”?
I felt this morning, this was God’s way of telling me I needed to reevaluate and it reminded me that he didn’t say keep these people at arm’s length, he didn’t say be friendly and stay away from them, he didn’t say let these people into your home and try and befriend them – NO, he said HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH SUCH PEOPLE. So this really made me think about who I associate myself with and are they these ”such people”? … or maybe, am I one of these people? GASP!

Lord knows I can be selfish, prideful, and I do like money. BUT I would have to say I don’t believe that any of those things have such a rein on me that they keep me from submitting myself to God and his plans for me but as all sin can, it can "worm" it's way between us and the one Truth.

Now I’ve got to think about the people I've been surrounding myself with, my kids and family with. Are they helpful or harmful – conceited or humble –  love God or do they love with themselves, money or idols? All very hard things to think about…

I always love it when this kind of things happens and where I thought I would end up this morning in my Bible Studying wasn't quite what God had in mind for me. It's amazing to know how powerful his Word truly is.

How about you? How does this verse speak to you?

Monday, August 8, 2011

~ what's going on with me ~

decided it is time I finally
come back here and blog
a little. Life, for me, has
been pretty adamit that I
put a few things on hold.

About two weeks ago, we all laid down as usual for our naps.
I've been pretty exhausted and I remember sleeping like a rock that day
 but the heat just whips me so I figured that is what it was.
I woke up from my nap and got all the kids little snacks - like I usually do.
I jumped on the computer for a second before I was going to tidy up the house and start dinner. I was
talking to my mom over email and all the sudden, I got a feeling like I really needed to stop and go
to the restroom. I got up and went and that didn't ease this weird abdomen pain. At this point, my pain had went from about a 4 to a 7. I was sweating and felt like I was going to throw up. I went and laid on my bed and just told the kids to play downstairs for a little while.

I don't know if you've ever been so sicky that it causes you to roll around on your bed - well that's what happened. I was ILL.
I couldn't find a comfortable position and by this time my leg started to go numb.
I was in tears and luckily, Pauly had brought me my phone so I called Ben.

Ben was right in the middle of a serious conversation with his boss, luckily he answered the phone and I told him that I must have the stomach flu and I needed him to come watch the kids.

As some of you know, he managed a rafting camp this year up north and at this point, his boss was just telling him he needed to gather his things and get right back up there to manage things. So he was on his way out of town at that point. He said he was going to finish somethings up and then come home.

I figured I could manage till he got there for just a little while before he left - so I just continued to try and ease my pain. I decided to walk around but it got so much worse and I ended up laying down in the hallway because the pain was so severe by this point. So I called Casi, because I decided I probably needed to go to the doctor and so she would need to stay with the kids.

As I layed in the hallway, all the kids gathered around me and honestly, at this point I was praying and telling them all that I loved them. I was so scared.

Finally, Ben got home and came in the house only to run right out the front door to go get our neighbor to watch the kids. We have an amazing neighbor... just sayin'.

Anyhow, I scraped myself off the floor - layed back on the bed for a second and then Ben came in and told me to go get in the car. I got myself up and to the car - meanwhile Ben was making sure the neighbor was good-to-go. Casi drove up, right when I got in the car and all I remember was her looking at me through the window mouthing the words, I love you.

We got to the hospital and the first thing I noticed was how different the ER was from the ER on Grey's Anatomy. Yeah, I'm a dork. At this point I was still in extreme pain, I was crying, and I had to sit and wait probably for about 15 minutes! While Ben filled stuff out and I even had to sign some stuff.

It. Was. Lame.
but, I imagine they have to have all that information to protect
themselves so... whatever.

They finally took me to the back and they got me some pain meds. I had a feeling it
was my "womanly parts" so that is what I told all the doctors...

After they gave me the pain meds, lots of time passed as I was monitored, a doctor physically checked me, I was given a couple different types of ultrasounds. Nothing was found.
Praise God, right? I mean, I wanted to know why I was in so much pain but I also didn't want to find anything super bad!
As you can imagine - I was thinking of the worst thing it could be.

We got back to our room and there we waited for quite a while. I had no more pain so that was definitely a praise.

The doctor came in and proceeded to tell me that I had tested positive on a pregnancy test - my levels showed about 4 days pregnant. About 3 days earlier I had started, well what I thought was, menstruating but come to find out it was really a threatened miscarriage. It was still way to early to see if it could be an ectopic pregnancy and that could be the cause for the pain but it could of also been a hormone imbalance that was causing my uterus to contract and spasm.

What. A. Nightmare.
I couldn't stop thinking, REALLY?
Another miscarriage?
That's two in one year! What the heck was happening!?
I'm O negative and the doctor in the ER gave me a Rhogam shot, which is something I'm totally used to as I've had this shot a several times before when I had miscarried as well as when I was pregnant with my boys. I wondered if that was the problem lately....

Anyhow, I came back home after being in the ER for about 8 hours. My mom dropped everything and came and tended to my kids and helped out. I rested for several days as after my mom left, Granny and Grandad took the boys and Sweet Pea went home with my mom. It was a nice break and I got a lot of rest.

Still today I am showing signs of a miscarriage, I haven't been back to the doctor because, well - what can they do... they can't stop it from happening.

I am waiting.

As I wait, I'm trying to stay positive, happy (I'm trying), and carry on as usual.
It's very tough.

It seems like things are crumbling down around me. The dogs have mites in their ears, my kids are mouthy, for some reason the lights are flickering like crazy in our house all the sudden, I have a huge ER bill and the list goes on and on.

I hope within the next couple weeks I will have some idea of what is going on, until then - I'm just hanging out. Thank you to you who have been praying for me and I will try and keep in touch.

Before this all happened we went to the Car Races and I have a lot of cool pictures from that - so I hope to post those soon.

All in all, I will continue to Trust God and rest in the fact that he loves me and whatever the outcome, I know God is in control and he knows what is best.

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

Much Love,


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