I have to admit the last couple weeks I have been letting Satan have a run away with me. He is giving me thoughts of inadequacy towards mothering my older boy. It seems like this poor kid is just having to go without so much than he did when it was just him and I. I kept thinking about this and it would make me feel SO BAD! I wanted to bawl constantly - with my hormones raging I couldn't (and barely can) think straight to realize it wouldn't be forever and it was a transition that many kids have to go through. He is such a great kid he has been so wonderful keeping busy with books, toys and content with watching movies. When there was just no possible way I could get outside with myself healing from the c-section and tiny boy being too tiny to go outside, he continued being such a helpful sweet boy!
Then there is/was the battle in my brain about being able to continue breastfeeding. Thankfully right in the recovery room our new baby started feeding almost immediately. I had a great colostrum supply and my milk came in within 4 days of having the little guy. I had such a nightmare of battling our first son with breastfeeding... I ended up having to use breast shields at first and then also pumping. He was born at 7lbs 14 oz and went down to a low 6 by the end of the first month. His poor little face got kind of sunk in and he looked terrible. I came home from that doctor's office, stopped by Albertsons for some VERY EXPENSIVE formula and he ate that stuff as if he was starving. He obviously thrived, thank you Jesus, but I just do NOT want to go through that again. So this is definitely something that I've been stressing about and I've been letting Satan put all sorts of doubts and lies in my head.
I have such an amazing support team with my amazing husband who has made it a game of being extremely cheerful the moment he steps in the house to get my mind off of my worries and laugh a little - not to mention, tending to my every need for the first two weeks after giving birth, as well as, being a huge help when I was Oh so very preggers. He has also been having some stressful work weeks since we are getting down to the end of the year and he never failed to take care of his work, me, or our boys. He is amazing! I asked him yesterday what I did to deserve him and he just jokingly said I got lucky. He's so wonderful!
I was (and still are a little) letting these things consume my every thought and I realized I wasn't taking the sweet precious time to enjoy these first days of my tiny son's life. I feel so foolish having to call my sisters, mother, sister-in-laws and mother-in-law - crying to them - I just feel like I can cry on demand and every time they are all so helpful and supportive.
I had a little bit of problems with baby blues with our first son but that was a little different and maybe a little worse actually as I was battling again nursing issues but also I was watching FAR TOO MUCH CNN and then the house right down the road got broke into and I developed a major fear of... well... "the unknown". Would someone break in and take my boy?, would someone break in and do "who knows what" to us while my husband was gone? I started not opening the blinds during the day and had a huge fear of keeping the door locked obsessively.
Thank God! I came out of that with... again, my husband and family's help and I just can't let myself go through that again!! I can't let Satan put these lies in my head and steal away my time with my beautiful boys that is so precious and needs to be enjoyed and not feared for. I'm so thankful for where the Lord has put me with a hugely supportive wonderful husband, two beautiful little boys, and an amazing family. I have much to be thankful for and I just praise Jesus for giving me strength to get through these hard past weeks. God is so GOOD!